Jul
11
Husband of 11 years has sudden change of heart-?
By
Dina asked:
About a month ago my husband of 11 years told me that he had been having long conversations on the phone with someone he met from Twitter. We have three children, one is a special needs kiddo who wakes up around midnight until we give him his meds. For the last 6 months, my husband has been getting up with him but not coming back to bed. It bothered me for a while that he was gone, since for 11 years we have always gone to bed at the same time and not even after a fight did we sleep apart. During our marriage we had many outside challenges that we faced together and always were the best of friends. I took a job in which I needed to travel every week for three days and was gone 1/2 the week. We needed the money and we both decided it was best for us to have the extra income. Around May I resigned because my special needs son was not doing well in daycare and it was just hard for me to be away from the husband and the kids. I knew that the job was hard on our marriage but was hopeful that after I came home and took care of the kids things would get better. It didn’t. He was angry all the time. He didn’t want to talk to me about the things we always talked about, told me that he still loved me and that he was going through something. I left it alone until the day he told me about the girl online. It really bothered me that he had been talking for hours and hours to this person in our house, on the couch next to our son. He wasn’t sleeping. He told me that this person was bi-polar, couldn’t sleep and was his friend who he could talk to about his writing. This didn’t sit well with me. I came to find out later that he had strong feelings for this person and that he had traveled 900 miles to her when he was supposed to be in the opposite part of the country Visit his cousin. Since this has happened, he told me he wanted a divorce, wants us to sell our house, wants me to get a job and wants to live in this house until it is sold. HE has also told me that he is bi-polar. Through our marriage I did see depression and he was being treated for it, but with his obsessive nature and mood swings, he very well may be bi-polar. I looked it up and he is on a textbook “mania” kick. Not sleeping, has delusions of grandeur, puts me down, rewrites history to suite him, is destroying all the good in his life and is not realistic about his decisions. There have been a few appointments with psychiatrists that he has canceled and told me he does not want to be a science experiment trying new meds. He has left without telling me where is going on more than one weekend. Refuses to answer my calls and comes home after work to crash and sleep on the couch in front of our children. I haven’t filed for a divorce myself because I do not want one. Even with all of this going on, my heart still loves him, or who he was before a month ago. He has even told me that he still loves me and cares for me but that he no longer wants to be married. I’m so confused. I have been taking a lot of crap, putting up with a ton of lies, accusations and pain. My heart is broken. His family isn’t supportive at all. They think he is justified in doing this and said- “he just wants a divorce. That will make him happy.” Am I the only one that thinks this is absurd? That he is leaving his life, his children, ending a marriage, asking to sell our home, change our kids lives just like that because he wants a girl on the internet?? When I tell you that we had a great marriage and I am in shock and scared of this situation, I mean it. My family is totally devastated over this. How can I move on if he is still living here, sneaking around our house talking to this person all night long? How can I deal with this?? His name is on the mortgage along with mine and he told me he will have me arrested if I take the kids to my parents to live (160 miles away in the same state) Its all bizarre. Its all sudden. It could be illness or he could just be evil?? It would be one thing if he left and didn’t live here, but he is here.
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About a month ago my husband of 11 years told me that he had been having long conversations on the phone with someone he met from Twitter. We have three children, one is a special needs kiddo who wakes up around midnight until we give him his meds. For the last 6 months, my husband has been getting up with him but not coming back to bed. It bothered me for a while that he was gone, since for 11 years we have always gone to bed at the same time and not even after a fight did we sleep apart. During our marriage we had many outside challenges that we faced together and always were the best of friends. I took a job in which I needed to travel every week for three days and was gone 1/2 the week. We needed the money and we both decided it was best for us to have the extra income. Around May I resigned because my special needs son was not doing well in daycare and it was just hard for me to be away from the husband and the kids. I knew that the job was hard on our marriage but was hopeful that after I came home and took care of the kids things would get better. It didn’t. He was angry all the time. He didn’t want to talk to me about the things we always talked about, told me that he still loved me and that he was going through something. I left it alone until the day he told me about the girl online. It really bothered me that he had been talking for hours and hours to this person in our house, on the couch next to our son. He wasn’t sleeping. He told me that this person was bi-polar, couldn’t sleep and was his friend who he could talk to about his writing. This didn’t sit well with me. I came to find out later that he had strong feelings for this person and that he had traveled 900 miles to her when he was supposed to be in the opposite part of the country Visit his cousin. Since this has happened, he told me he wanted a divorce, wants us to sell our house, wants me to get a job and wants to live in this house until it is sold. HE has also told me that he is bi-polar. Through our marriage I did see depression and he was being treated for it, but with his obsessive nature and mood swings, he very well may be bi-polar. I looked it up and he is on a textbook “mania” kick. Not sleeping, has delusions of grandeur, puts me down, rewrites history to suite him, is destroying all the good in his life and is not realistic about his decisions. There have been a few appointments with psychiatrists that he has canceled and told me he does not want to be a science experiment trying new meds. He has left without telling me where is going on more than one weekend. Refuses to answer my calls and comes home after work to crash and sleep on the couch in front of our children. I haven’t filed for a divorce myself because I do not want one. Even with all of this going on, my heart still loves him, or who he was before a month ago. He has even told me that he still loves me and cares for me but that he no longer wants to be married. I’m so confused. I have been taking a lot of crap, putting up with a ton of lies, accusations and pain. My heart is broken. His family isn’t supportive at all. They think he is justified in doing this and said- “he just wants a divorce. That will make him happy.” Am I the only one that thinks this is absurd? That he is leaving his life, his children, ending a marriage, asking to sell our home, change our kids lives just like that because he wants a girl on the internet?? When I tell you that we had a great marriage and I am in shock and scared of this situation, I mean it. My family is totally devastated over this. How can I move on if he is still living here, sneaking around our house talking to this person all night long? How can I deal with this?? His name is on the mortgage along with mine and he told me he will have me arrested if I take the kids to my parents to live (160 miles away in the same state) Its all bizarre. Its all sudden. It could be illness or he could just be evil?? It would be one thing if he left and didn’t live here, but he is here.
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tell him to go ahead and file. do not leave your home. get an attorney and sue the shyt out of his crazy azz. i believe he’s bi-polar, and while this is killing you, please believe that it will hurt worse if you try to “fight for it”. let him go…
you need to speak to a psychiatrist about the best way to handle this. How to correctly approach him about getting treatment etc.
Perhaps if you tell him you will get the divorce only if and when he gets treatment and is making a rational decision.
get yourself some professional advice
best wishes
ps i commend you on not walking away from your marriage just because it is difficult! fight for what you want
I’m sorry… that’s sad:(
You should just take the kids and leave….
Gosh I’m sorry. Life isn’t always fair. He’s lonely and he did something very wrong to fill the void. Don’t beg for him back. It may be hard but have pride you are a strong person. I really believe that everything happens for a reason. Go spend some time with your friends who can help you through this time in your life.
why is it that a man can seem so
passionate and excited about you when you first
meet, but then “cool off” quickly the more you
get to know each other?
Are men just into “the chase” and lose interest
once they sense that they “have” you, or is there
something else going on?
The truth is that a man will remain intrigued and
excited but ONLY IF he feels something more than
everyday “physical” attraction for you. Physical
attraction is something any man can feel at the
drop of a hat; it’s really nothing special.
But do you know what the “other” type of
attraction is that a man can feel for a woman?
Why do men so often fall into a state of boredom
with great women? Because they’re simply not
feeling that “gut level” of attraction for you,
the kind that goes BEYOND the physical and into
the emotional.
You and he,, are not the same people, not the same personality so you two need to seek help but I think it might be just a bit late. You need to bring back that excitement that was when you two were first in love,, but,, best thing for you and the kids is to let him go, do not move out of the house, no, no , no,, no way. He needs to leave, ,you need to stay with the children.
Who’s the hideously ugly one?…
It’s obvious he’s a godless piece of filth, who can’t support his own family well enough- so he bides his time in petty disgust.
So get over his cheating ass- his little 900mile traveling supplicant wuss bag ass… and become a strong women who can attract a man worth something
Be worth something. You have to make up for the stressful life you will likely put onto someone else… The first step toward that is leaving him high and dry.
First of all, he cannot have you arrested for taking the kids to your parents’ to live.
Obviously, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is not ready to leave the house and kids (or having you around to take care of your wifely duties – whatever that may include). However, he did not had a “sudden change of heart”. This has been long time in the making; you have just become aware of it. I think it started when you chose to be gone 3 nights a week. He felt abandoned and alone and he reached out for comfort and companionship from someone else.
If he is truly bi-polar, he does need to take proper meds. I believe a good counselor might be the best answer for many reasons. Perhaps your marriage can be saved. If not, you (both) can get help working through the separation most harmoniously. And lastly, perhaps the counselor can help get him on the proper medications.
people who hide behind the illness, people who glorify the illness, they all just p*ss me off.
let me tell you where he comes from… it’s like this. you’re dropped off at a country where you can’t speak their language, the customs, the habits.. the culture… they’re all not ‘compatible’, even tho you lived there all your life. then one day, you meet a person… he speaks your language.. everything is easy with him… emotions are understood, pains you feel are felt together, you see red and he sees red, not blue like everyone else on earth.
it’s like Clark Kent meeting someone else from planet krypton here on earth. it’s exciting. it’s just plain ‘cool’ to see someone who you can relate to, after living the whole life thinking you’re an oddball.
and it’s also like getting high together with someone. it’s never fun to be the lone drunk at the party… you know what i’m saying?
bottom line is this. there’s nothing you can do to hold him down. maybe one day, he’ll go through the ‘guilt’ phase and comeback to you with his tail between his legs.. and i’m hoping by that time, you’re light years away.
some people won’t forgive him for his illness, sometimes, he gets a ‘get out of jail free’ card for his illness. sometimes, it’s just all too confusing.. who’s who and who’s the illness?
people deal with taking pills every day to be ‘normal’. people spend endless hours in therapy to be normal. having a ‘normal’ day is something to be celebrated. seems like he can give two sh*ts about what should be important to him and for him to be treated.
kick him out, and tell him not to let the door hit him on the @ss on his way out.
Wow. There is a lot to this question.
Obviously it wasn’t a great marriage, at least not for him. This has nothing to do with the girl on the internet. Caring for three children is hard enough, without one being “special needs”. A part of him thinks that he can walk away from all of his problems. Make sure he understands that that isn’t possible, that even if he is divorced he will have the same responsibilities. Try to do this as calmly as possible, in a dispassionate way. Discuss childcare details, Logistics, throw out some custody scenarios, make him confront the reality. Don’t argue. Mention going back to work for you is a problem because of day care.
He probably is sick. It sounds like he may be bipolar, that does make people make drastic, impulsive, self destructive decisions. If you can, see if you can get him treatment for bi-polar disorder before either of you make any big decisions. Agree with him, it will catch him off guard. When he says he is bipolar, say “that is why I think you need help” and offer him lots of brochures, try to get him to see a psychiatrist.
If he won’t see a psychiatrist. you will have to get a divorce. This situation won’t work, the chaos can’t be good for the kids. A couple living together that doesn’t want to can make each other miserable. Make sure you sell the house and split the proceeds. That ends up being the most equitable way to divide things, and most families can’t afford the family house while maintaining two seperate housholds.
The house is half his, he is under no obligation to leave the house.
No way will you get arrested for taking the kids to your Mom’s.
Baby you shouldn’t have to go through this and yes it is absurd the way he is acting but give him what he wants. For the safety of you and your kids you may want to file for custody of your kids, and file for a divorce yourself and may even have to put out a tro on him(temporary restraining order) so that he will have to move out and you won’t feel so uncomfortable around him and he can go some where else and have his little encounters with his internet girl. I know you may be scared and that this is all new to you but it is also unfair to you also you shouldn’t be living in your house with your kids while your husband comes home to the place that you two made a home and be talking to another female. You also don’t have to sell the house if you don’t want to. Its your home and you can stay there he might want you to sell the house cause he knows he is gonna have to not only pay child support but may also have to pay you alimony also which includes bills, and the mortgage. So if you want to stay in your home than stay let the choice be yours and no one else I wish you all the best and hope that you consider some of my advice.
He needs a professional psych evaluation. He cannot diagnose himself – that is RIDICULOUS!!! Just because he gets evaluated doesn’t mean he has to go on meds. He is being stubborn and stupid. If he really is bi-polar he needs treatment.
Just by what you are saying, I have a hunch he has a “thing” for this other woman. He is not thinking clearly, he is messed up in the head, seriously. This is the PORTRAIT of my exhusband, exactly….
My ex acted “weird” throughout his marriage to his exwife and blamed her for everything…had affiars….multiple businesses….excessive spending habits, entitlement issues…narcissistic behavior…and then BAM – he would crash. This wasn’t SO pronounced until he started getting paranoid with me — years later and threatening me, checking my odometer, questioning my phone bill,etc. He was fine with me for 5 years — then after a death in his family and being under a lot of stress – he literally changed almost overnight. I was in shock. He couldn’t keep a job — I was working my &ss off to support us — and HIS alimony. He had the nerve to come home with new tires on his truck one day — as my gas was shut off. I couldn’t run the home business that was PAYING for his spending…..I had to give him an ultimtim — stay on the meds, or I am gone. He wouldn’t stay on the meds, I left. I lost everything. Thats my story.
You need support — see a counselor. This has nothing — NOTHING — to do with you…and its really hard, I know. I can’t tell you whats best for you — but this is HIS issues. If HE won’t deal with it — you will just be along for the ride, so learn how to manage your feelings, and your business, and PROTECT yourself.
good luck. My heart goes out to you, I remember how I felt.
You’re right, it IS absurd.
What I think you need to do is contact an attourney. He doesn’t get to dictate what you do, where you live, whether you take the kids to see their grandparents and how happy you are in life, and you are TOTALLY letting him. Get in touch with an attourney – the best one you can afford. And don’t tell him you’re going to, either. He’ll just try to bully you out of it. So just do it. Get someone who knows what they’re doing on your side. Don’t let him control you! Even if you still love him, you have GOT to know your rights. You just HAVE to!
Second, I think you should just throw in the towel on this relationship. Think about it…he’s claiming bipolar now, he’s freaking leaving his family for some skank he met on TWITTER for God’s sake, he’s completely ruining your year, you said yourself he’s constantly accusing you of stuff, lying to you, doing whatever he likes whenever he likes, sleeping on the couch in front of your kids…What more proof do you need that it’s over? I know you said that your heart still loves him, but by now at least your head should be telling you differently. Don’t he a fool for him…he’s CLEARLY not worth it, father of your children or not.
ETA: I don’t really think that you shoud take into account his “bipolar” claim…To be honest, it sounds more like a case of histrionics to me. He wants to “identify” with his internet girlfriend, so he’s made himself think he’s bipolar…which is why he’s displaying symptoms to people. Make sense? I could be wrong, but at any rate, if he really does think he’s bbipolar then he needs to go and get himself evaluated, so he can take the proper actions to get himself stabilized. I agree with others who say that he may not be making a “rational” choice…Perhaps offer his precious divorce if he gets help.
life’s never fair and every time it seems things are going fine, something comes in the way to ruin it..
yea 11 yrs is a very long time to be with someone.. but things change and people change all the time.. some like it the way it is and some just can’t stand to have it good that they have to ruin it..
maybe for some time he felt there was something better and then comes this twitter chic that obviously has no conscience or had no idea you hubby was a married man..
at this point i would just tell you to go ahead and breath everything in and then search for a new beginning.. human beings are strange.. you never know what’s going to happen next or what they will do next.. all you can do is be prepared for yourself.. prepare for you and your kids.. you dont want to take them away from their father but it would be the reaction of every of the cheated on, but doing that would be a sign of revenge and you dont want your kids to be a weapon..
in the meantime find things to back your life up and do get a job to help save up for any emergencies that should arrive..
such a sad thing to happen but life is all about unexpected events.. it’s how you react to it that makes you who you are..
good luck
i very highly doubt a man can have his wife arrested for taking the kids to see grandma in the same state. give me a break.
yes he is evil, bi-polar my eye, it all comes down to sin; lust and selfishness. i am going through this with my husband but of 25 years! and our son is also special needs, autistic.
you never should have belived he was going to visit his cousin, one of the oldest lies people use.
men cannot be trusted, and the internet brings out the worse in them and in sluts.
insist on talking to a pastor, its time to bring God into this picture.
nothing else can help.
I would like to know how many of the respondents that stated all these so factual responses about bi-polar disorder not being and issue in your situation hold a degree on mental health? if they did, or have dealt first hand with this disorder they would know that this is something that can be quite in line with it.
in regards to the issue of medication, i have seen many people suffering of the disorder willing better to go through the roller coaster of depression to mania and vice versa, than finding the right combination of medications that will work for them. it is a very painful, long, hideous, and costly process. for each individual is a trial and error between the sufferer and the physician to find the exact combination that will work. i have seen customers that it has taken them up to two years to find the right thing that will work for them.
if you believe that he is actually suffering from the disorder, and since you dont want to do so, then dont file for divorce. let him do it if he wants and then take it from there. in the meantime, keep encouraging him to see a psychiatrist. however, chances are that you wont be successful in that endeavor. what you could do is to inform yourself as much as you can about the disorder, find support groups in your area, and / or join internet forums. there are a couple out there that are very good in assisting family and friends to understand what to expect from people that are know by experience the same hell that you are in.
this i can tell you, it takes a very special person to deal with that. professionally, i can deal with it. even though i might sound harsh, in my personal life, here are two types of people that i avoid if i base my choice in the suspicion of someone suffering from a mental disorder. one of them is bi-polar, the other would be borderline personality disorder. they can appear to be average, and even exciting, but the drama involved is more that i want to deal with in an every day basis.
in regards of you taking the kids away, there could be some legal implications in regards to paternal rights interference. i suggest you contact your local authorities in regards to that. on the other hand, i believe he is completely bluffing, because he would want the alone time to deal with his “real true love” now. but if the instability of bi-polar is really what you are dealing with, i wouldnt be surprised he would pull some kind of strings towards that.
good luck